Diary Of An Oxygen Thief

Presenting to the Beast

2010-01-26T07:26:00.000-08:00

Aaron was in shock because it had gone
really well. Not only had I survived the
beast I’d seemingly made a new friend.
All I had to do now was sit on a plane be
delivered unto Dublin. The presentation
couldn’t have gone much better, we might get
something out of this Shane Pond fiasco after all.
By the time we emerged one of the bags I'd left at
reception had already caused commotion with the
BMV staff. My black backpack had some
choice graphics on it; a dog screwing a man’s leg;
the same dog licking his own balls; in another he
was farting a single music note. This being boring
BMV in boring New Jersey the suited security guard
couldn’t let it go without comment.
“That’s quite a conversation piece” he said
"No it isn't" I said trying to end the conversation.
‘We don’t have any sense of humor around here “
“That’s not what I heard"
Thankfully a Limo, well, not quite a Limo, with a chauffeur
waited outside to take me to JFK but before disappearing
into the matt black hole that opened in the side of the glossy
black town car, a sneaky junior client who must have been
behind me the whole time, bid me farewell.
“Good job” he said
Yes I thought, it is isn't it?

2010-01-23T17:17:00.000-08:00

I had some changes to make to a storyboard
which basically meant going back brief the
studio manager yet again. Admittedly there
had been quite a few changes already but
that was the client's fault not mine. To soften
the fact that I‘d been back there three times
already I approached the guy sheepishly
saying ‘you’re not going to believe this’ but
as soon as he realised I was making more
changes he started to get all pissy with me.
Sighing and rolling his eyes. I couldn’t believe
a guy in a comp studio was giving me lip about
changes. This would never have happened in
London. Say what you like about the Brits but
they respected rank. At Saatchi's if a studio manager
was pissed about something he might, after fifteen
years tell his boss before promptly killing himself.
This however, was America where every fucker and
had to heard. An ordinary yes or no answer would
routinely turn into a full scale board meeting.
An idiot-magnet like Aaron only had to stand
mute in my office and within seconds he’d
attract four or five fellow fuckups from the
throng in the corridor.

Coffee after Con Call

2010-01-22T15:47:00.000-08:00

I was not in the mood for this shit.
Maybe some coffee and some air would help.
After pounding the pavement to the nearest
coffee shop I summoned the last of my patience
for a guy who wanted to turn my coffee order
into a relationship. I sat down and cooled down.
If I hadn’t walked out like that I don’t know
what I would have done. I knew I would have
regretted resigning. When I came back after
taking a walk I was expecting Aaron to
try and coax me gently into going to LA.
But no one did. Katie went instead.

Killallon Con Call

2010-01-21T07:58:00.000-08:00

‘I want an answer now.’
Carmel Quortito the 32 year old Head
of Product Placement from WMW Films had one of
those ball-contracting New York accents that sounded
particularly terrifying when filtered through a speakerphone.
I was one of five gently cynical overpaid adfolk staring at
the con call consul like it was a grenade on the desk.
Ted, the only millionaire in the room leaned forward.
‘I’d like to hear Jude’s view on this.When he gets off the floor. Jude?’
What Jude wanted to do was walk silently to the door, close
it behind him, descend in the elevator, cab it to the airport,
fly to London, join this call from there and hang up.
But instead he swallowed his pride for the thousandth time that
day and managed to diffuse the situation by modifying an existing
script and changing the structure to allow for a few more seconds
on the Shane Pond title. It felt like the sun had come out and the
room brightened. Within seconds she started on about sending
someone to LA to watch the pre-release cut of the movie.
I would have liked very much to see the pre-release cut in WMW
studios if it wasn’t for all the flights that would entail. Minneapolis
to Newark (half the full width of the US) then Newark to Ireland console
my mother for the loss of my father and then fly from Ireland to LA
( the wiidth of the Atlantic Ocean plus the width of the US”
A thirteen hour flight with a break for a piss in JFK.
No thank you
‘I want Jude. It should be a creative’
Timmy slid a yellow note across the polished wood surface
maybe fly from Newark to LA?
I turned it over denying him any facial cue that I had read it.
This was an ambush Surprising myself I seemed to be standing up.
I waved goodbye to Ted, and walked out.

Flying St LaCroix to Newark

2010-01-20T13:51:00.000-08:00

On my left a rather knock-kneed and
unattractive young lady was saying there might
be empty seats up front. On my right a toddler
imitated the sounds of someone being brutally killed.
Behind me, unseen knees pressed urgently into the
small of my back. Meanwhile, Aaron Feldman, the
account man, sat silently ensconced in first class.
He looked like he knew things. Important things.
I considered him dangerous only because his blank
personality encouraged me to project my paranoia
onto him. And on that day I was carrying quite a
few reels.

FORT FUCK UP/ St La Croix / MONDAY

2010-01-19T07:58:00.001-08:00

I met Nate earlier this morning and I explained
that I had just bought a mug which I had to explain
was a large cup and a pair of runners which I had to
explain were sneakers.
‘What does your mug say?” asked Nate.
I looked at him impressed by how quickly he had
taken the word into his vocabulary and by his evidently
American expectation that a mug should always
have something written on it.
“Nothing,” I said “it’s a moot mug”
Nate smiled now as if a droplet of some drug not
yet wrung dry of it’s use has just percolated somewhere
inside him. He was looking far too happy.
‘Right on” he said and turned way from
me to go catch his bus.
I was about to point out that where I come from
we’d say go and catch the bus.
But what was I the fucking Ambassador for Europe?

FORT FUCK UP/ St La Croix / Sunday

2010-01-17T08:53:00.002-08:00

I saw another real blonde last night, I’m talking Aryan
I want to go skinny dipping in this Swedish gene pool.

Our AA group had organised a day doling out food to the Homeless.
Capital H for homeless lower case f for the food. We got to wear
those funky hats like they have in Amercian diners. And also plastic
gloves and aprons. My sponsee was there so I had to behave.
He’s very creepy but then what do you expect out here? It all
became relative the longer yo were here.The people who came in
for food weren't as scary as I expected. Au contraire, they were
quite friendly and nice. Although there was some annoyance at
the scarcity of meat. A guy on my right dished rice into a yellow
or orange plastic compartmentalized trays and then passed them
to me who larupped hot brown paint on it and then further along
on thisassembly line another guy on my left shoveled carrots into
what would have been an empty compartment reserved for them
had the rest of us been accurate but that was an impossibility
so the end result was even less appetising. But instead of
saying "what the fuck is this shit?" the lowered-eyed suplicants
took their trays of puke away gratefully humbly and quietly except
for one man who asked quite politely if there was any more meat.
The rice doler who was obviously more experienced
addressed me not him;
’Ask him if he wants his money back”

Fort Fuck-Up / Sunday Morning

2009-10-13T10:54:00.000-07:00

Two cups of coffee pulling me out of an excellent sleep.
Three tuna-spread sandwiches from Lunds and a rather
vociferous shit. Peering into the toilet bowl (you can do that
more successfully here in the US) I see that one of my stools
looks like a cartoon snake wearing a lone ranger mask.

Even though this house is very beautiful I still have a ferocious
loyalty to 158a Elmington Road in London It’s the kind of affection
I imagine one would feel toward a handicapped son. I’m glad it’s
someone else's responsibility but I still have a deep fondness for it.
Somehow it feels more honest more heartfelt. Everything I got
in London was fought for and and won in the same place.
That made more sense. Here everything just seems to get handed
to me. Except the Shane Pond BMV campaign.That's hardly free.
But my friends here and the house here and the girls all seem
so friendly here. I’ve heard the expression I miss the struggle.
This seems to apply to me at the moment. Could be worse.
I could be stll working with Joeke Canner back in Saatchi's
I’m glad to be free of him. No more Joeke Canner and no
more Adrienne Tyler? No wonder I feel like I‘ve been handed
stuff on a plate.This is heaven in comparision.

They say What’s up? here instead of Wotcha? or How’s it going?
The traditional answer seems to be Not much.. which in St Croix
is certainly an accurate description of the surrounding goings on.
I try to imagine they've asked What do you think of this place?

Fort Fuck-Up / Friday

2009-02-20T19:23:00.000-08:00

BMV bought the legal ad. Can you believe it?
Mike is here sitting beside me reading my copy of
Loaded which I‘ve just bought. So I thought I’d get
some thoughts down while they’re still hot.
R and I got some good Miller Lite ads done today
I also got the new stuff to Bill. He’s going away
next week. Me too I’ll be staying at the Arlesbury
Hotel on Sunset Boulevard. Robert Aardstrong
sounded impressed by this so it must be a good hotel.
Today was more relaxed though. One of the quieter
ones I‘ve had. Tiley was funny. There was an ad involving
a crash dummy and the client was agrguing about whether
the style of photography would prevent the public from
understanding it was a dummy as opposed to …
”An Alien?” Tiley asked really seriously.
Fuck, maybe he was serious.

Mother wants money.
She virtually asked me for money on the phone.
She hints at it every chance she gets. Her phone bill.
Her passport renewal. So she can visit her favourits son.
No not me. Brian. Her airfare.

Mike just asked me if I ever listened to Echo and the
Bunny Men. I said yes but I never did. I hated them.
And the Cure too. Anyway back to Ma I’ll send her the
money but in my own time. Well I don’t want to tell
her I’m sending it and then not do it.
And I’ll send her that Irish fiver that
I found in an old pair of trousers.
That’ll freak her out. She’ll think,
“The stingy little bastard.”

After the State Fair.
Went to the State Fair with Ike, Derry and yes Trisha.
She has a nice car and probably makes good money.
I actively resisted her advances. She told me Frank
Fitzpatrick of Killalon Fitzpatrick fame, isn’t going to
AA meetings which made me feel better because
I knew he was fucked up and I was glad to know that
this was why. She also said there is no tax on the money
you make when you sell your house in Minnesota. Good
news. I like her, but not in that way if you know what I mean
She’s sparky and interesting and pushy anyway I
kind of got the ‘ump “ with her because I wanted to go
so I could ring ‘Me mammy” who, when I did ring her said
“Why did you bother?’ Can’t win. Still I was happy to get
that info about Frank Fitzpatrick. She could be described as
the nympho with the info (if she was sexually casual
and had lots of information to impart) I wanted
to be alone. I succeeded.

1pm Saturday | Labour day weekend
Mike just Rang and said Princess Di and her new
boyfriend are dead. I can’t believe it. They were being
chased by Paparazzi. In Paris.In their cars and they crashed.
The press created her and then destroyed her. I liked her.
I feel genuinely sad. I really do. She was cool.
Poor thing. All she ever did was behave herself.

Irving Avenue | St La Croix | 2PM |1997

2008-10-14T20:10:00.000-07:00

Had to cancel my bank cards. I lost them along
with my leather card holder. Pisses me off.
But I get the excuse to chill out here at home
for a couple of hours.The BMV proof came back
looking great. I’m very pleased with it.
Also R came up with a good idea to solve the
motorbike dilemma. The legal thing.
So it’s looking good.
I need something to eat. I’m fucking
starving. D sent me an email yesterday which was
very funny. I sent him one back. He’s in Ireland
using his brother’s email Robert Ardstrong turns
out to be quite good. He’s even sent casting tapes.
A whole raft of guys for the Time Magazine ad.
It’s very encouraging.

I keep worrying about what people are going to think when
they read this. It’s annoying. it makes me want to “clean it up”
to be less abrasive, less honest. Ever since that Michelle girl
found my other book in the photocopying room..
photocopying room? Am I now to think that she made
copies? And how long was it sitting there?

Found my cards in Terry’s car. Fuck
Got my tickst for LA. And the Hotel The Aylesbury
sounds more like it. The BMV shots are starting to look cool
I’m feeling better about it. That Tricia wispy haired ugly girl in
AA who I think is after me is going to pick me up and take me
to the State Fair here. I’m not happy about it what the hell.
A guy asked me to be his sponsor tonight and Bryan said go ahead.
He also wants me to do another step 4. Maybe I should just give
him these notepads.

I’m looking forward to getting away to LA next week.
It’s nice to be able to do it. I rang mother but I don’t
know if it’s the phones but it’s hard to talk to her because
there’s an overlap and it sounds like one of us is really nervous
( it must be the distance the sound has to travel)
It’s weird because I don’t know if it’s her cracking up or me
cracking up or it’s just a technical thing with the phones.
Perry is now officaially shagging Angelique and I’m officially jealous.
And Ike was at Sebastian joes with a really beautiful newcomer called Susan.
She shook my hand. Gorgeous. And what about me?
I get ugly Tricia.

Big BMV meeting at 8am again.
Maybe we’ll actually get something agreed this time.
Great sleep and $2grand more in the mail box.
It's great to get my mail in a clichéd american mailbox
I’m thinking of getting Phil a first-class ticket to New York as
a Christmas present. It feels good being here in this house.
It feels like London should have but never did. It’s the extra
space and the nearness to everything. The work is tough but
the AA meetings are so enthusiastic and huge that you know you
can handle anything.

I feel like anything is possible here. Like the
Americans sort of egg you on instead if trying to hem
you in which is the norm in London. They genuinely want you
to succeed here because it makes them look good too.
Makes sense.
Even this Tricia.She has no shame about being keen. Maybe that’s it.
The yanks in general make no apologies for being animated and eager
like big happy fluffy-eared dogs they bound up to you and start on your
leg. You wouldn’t get that in England. In England the sneak up behind
you and try to creep up your arse.
Like cats.

2426 Irving avenue| Fort Fuck-Up | St LaCroix

2008-08-02T13:53:00.000-07:00

Here I am listening to George Michael after an AA meeting
just around the corner and a salad and sourdough bread.
The meeting saved mine and others lives. Ike just rang.
He and a friend are on their way over and we’re going to
meet at Sebastian Joes an ice cream place around the
corner. I had a cunt of a day.
That Tami will end up with a knife in her back.

My other diary with all the LA stuff was left
back on my desk with a post-it-note attached to it
‘Found this over by the FED EX machine”
I rang the girl who found it and she said
“Oh I hope you don’t think I read it or anything”

Bob and I had a few good ideas for Piller though.
Spaceman and Follicles and I won my battle to have one line
of type for BMV print which I was delighted with but ddn’t show
it because I’ll need to save it for next time. If they think you're
pleased they’ll have something to bargain with the next time.
You have to remain grumpy and pissed no matter how well
they treat you. Otherwise they’ll walk all over you.

Charlotte Bering wants me. It’s official.
She wants my turgid todger in her. Why else would
she be buying me litte cakes and leaving me little notes.
Slut.
She not only touched me in mid conversation.
She touuuuuccccchhhed me. But have no fear I’m strong.
Too stong. Perched on my desk she was.
I’m not imagining it am I? She’s quite tasty you know. Black hair.
But the other day she laughed so long and hard it was embarrassing.
Her mouth opened so wide there was enough light to see right down
into her throat. It was kind of frightening. All that loudenes and her
face upturned and her head thrown back looked like it became this
huge hollow fleshy opening. Like looking into a flesh toilet bowl with
tonsils in it. And I don’t trust her I think she‘s only after me for my
position and influence. Also Ike is on his way over with a friend of his
who I immediately think is after my money. Poor sad fuck that I have
become. That meeting saved my life tonight it was brilliant.
Dave who I think is excellent said something about “not having slayed
enough oxen” so God was saying “fuck you” to him. Also he said he used
to think of God as a parakeet who needed feeding every morning.

Shane McKlusky, the photographer on the Pond print shoot saw me
writing in this notebook and said "You should never keep a diary and
if you do, you should never tell your lawyer" He's so divorced.
Anne Frank kep one didn’t she?
Yeah and look what thappened to her

Home St LaCroix| august 22 | 11am

2008-08-02T13:45:00.000-07:00

Just got back from Pepitos.
I’m going back to bed in a minute. Matt gave me a lift uptown
Calhoun and I sleepwalked back from there stopping at some
antique shops along the way. I tried to buy a TV and video last night
but my card wouldn’t take it. So Rob and Mike had to take me back
with no tv. Poor me. We watched a movie called Barcelona in their
place instead. I got he coffee made this morning which is more than
I can say for Henry the lazy cunt he didn’t even turn up.
But I was glad I got the coffee made and I shared at the
meeting which I enjoyed.

It’s a nice day. The life here is fucking great.
The pace is slow and the girls are clean And after all I only
need one. Or one at a time that is. But with me, one thing
happens Like the fact that the typography might have have to
be on two lines instead of one in my BMV print ads and I’m off.
The job, the house, the reason I’m here in the US falls apart.
They’ll fire me. I’ll have to resign out or sheer inadeqecy.

I’m still recovering from Beaumont’s girlfriend brushing her
beautiful breasts against me. And then suddenly dropping out
of sight to her knees. Slut. What would Beaumont think?
Who cares? What if she was my girlfriend? What if I had been
shagging her the night before and suddenly there she is
offereing her breasts to another man.
Women are only after one thing.
Money.

I had a fucking great sleep earlier on, maybe two hours
or so. I thought I had only slept for a few minutes because
the CD I had put one wasn’t finished but I soon realised that
it was on repeat.

Anyway I went out to Sound City and the guy said he couldn’t
accept my cheque because it was a starter cheque.
Fucking embarrassing since that Swedish guy was there at
the same time. I was mortified. Anway the boys Rob and Mike
were cool I like them a lot. They’ve been very good to me.
In the end mike ended up saying he’d sell me his TV and video
together for $650. $200 less than the shop wanted and no tax.
So I jumped at it. He wants to buy a brietling Watch $900 so
I was happy with that. We rang Martin Bob and Ike and I and
he says his girfriend is about to leave him for good this time.
He said her father was going to pick up her stuff tomorrow.
He said he’d just come back from Ally Pally whether
was ahuge AA convention on.

We drove into a money–raiser car-wash thing run by
teenage girls. You drive up and park amongst them.
Then they surround the car in their little sports bras and shorts
and begin soaping the car. It made a deep impression on me
and the others in the car. No one spke for some time after.
Or if they did I didn’t hear anything. I rang ma and she said
something strange. She said she heard the word Minesota
mentioned on te TV and then changed channels so she wouldn’t
have to watch it. She wants to avoid anything Minesota-related
precisely because I guess I can’t. I think she might only be trying
to get a grip on me by saying she’s only going to New York and
not to me in Minesota. I was hurt by that at first but now I think
what the hell. Derry’s got a date with Anabelle tomorrow night.
Poor bastard. He asked me if he should kiss her or not. Me?
I said, as knowledgeably as I could…"kiss her on the cheek
no more than that"

We went to Ike’s sister’s barbeque.
Her boyfriend’s French. Jesus I wasn’t able to hide my
intolerence. I really did feel superior. I know I‘m sorry
there was one guy who asked if I played Rugby.
When I said no he said,
‘Oh he says because you look like a hooker”
(Stocky in other words)
‘And you look like a pimp” I said without thinking.
He looked quite shocked but then I back peddled
‘But sometimes working in advertising I feel like one”
hwe looked even more shocked after that.
Yes yes it was the best I could do. I hated him and everyone in
there and from that moment I wanted to leave from the moment I got
there and then they were all drinking and starting to get louder and
louder until Mike bailed me out.
‘We’re going to te movies we have to get tickets etc”
I ate one burger and two kebabby things I could have eaten
5 burgers no problem. The the state bird ( the mosquito) began
it mass migration to our table and the carnage began.
They were passing a bottle of “bug repellant “around like ketchup.
We left. I exhaled.

Fort Fuck-Up | 11.45pm

2008-08-02T13:43:00.000-07:00

Met Beaumont’s’ girl friend who looks very much like
Nicky (very tasty) She came straight up to me.
’I luuuurrrve your house…I’ve seen your house.”
And then after rubbing her substantial tits on my arm
she drops on her knees.
“Please let me move in with you.“
I was nonchalant apart from the twitch in my right eye.
“Ooooh it’s sooo beautiful”
Ike was there too.
‘Well he’s a beautiful man” he says, to which I added,
‘It’s a beautiful world” and walked away.
Bu the truth is I found her deeply attractive.
Lovely clean skin, blonde hair, nice arse, very pleasant
character as opposed to just horny and she’s Polish so
there’s an accent going on. But Beaumont is her boyfriend.
Ike and Bob are going to take me to go and buy a vcr
tomorrow. I’m thinking I don’t really want one but
I need to appear to be normal.

I had a really good chat with Selford (Tylers’s brother)
he’s a really nice guy. He used to beat himself up.
Literally.
‘I need to be bloodied” he would say
and set upon himself. That must have looked
fucking wild.I mean how do you punch yourself
hard enough to bleed?

Wednesday Night | August 20 | Home 11pm

2008-08-02T13:39:00.000-07:00

Tired.
Dropped Martin off at the airport and missed the agency
monthly meeting. The Pond stuff is going well. Rick (with a P)
got on my tits today mind you, I’ve been up since 6am so
that doesn’t help. I’m getting ready for a good bath and yes…
that too.

The Mount meeting was nice. I shared. I‘d like to share more
often maybe that’s why I‘m writing all this stuff down. I feel
a little strange tonight I had a little cry earlier. Not an unhappily.
It was from relief. I thnk. Martin is quite an intense character.
He can be like a black hole when he’s feeling down.
He absorbs the atmosphere around him.
It’s impossible to keep him buoyant.
So draining.

I feel a bit silly in my big house. It seems a little unesacessary.
I mean here I am in a big fuck-off house. It looks like somewhere
a cute curly haired wife and kids should be. But instead there’s
baldy-crazy-man. The thing is I just need to feel like I deserve
it. My method seems to be if I work harder then I will at least
deserve all the good things that happen to me. But of course
the harder I work the less time I have to enjoy said good things.
Dilemma. Well fuck it I can always sell the cunting house for a
not insubstantial profit.

My fucking Mother says she’s go to New York for
Christmas and not to Minneapolis. Not even for the New Year.
That hurts. But there you go. Kieran’s there right now bringing
her out every night on Caroline’s money. I’m jealous I suppose.
He ‘s not supposed to be able to do that.He’s supposed to be poor.
Then when he hears I‘m talking to Directors in Holywod
(North Holywooddoesn’t reall count but he doesn’t know that)
he wants to, get this, download some ideas for me “to have a look at.”
(“to be impressed by” by in other words)
Martin is doing the same thing.
“Give me your contacts” he says.”and I ‘ll give you mine”
“Give me a fucking break ‘ I say…and anyway what contacts does he have?
Some Paki who works in the kebab shop in Deptford.
I’m going to bed.

thursday 17 | August | 1997| Killallon Fitzpatrick

2008-07-11T15:34:00.000-07:00

Here we are again 9.15am women are amassed outside my office
door.There’s one with that nosebump that I like. Martin and I are
getting along well so far.
I can smell my dick because I had a wank last night.
I should have washed it. I’m hoping to see the BMV Pee
ad today. Bob got back from Paris and made me jealous with his
references to women and restaurants. I’m determined to get
my suit in time and possible cake for my sober birthday.
I’m not so stressed as I would be in London. Martin said that a
woman who moved from London to Ireland told him that she
got things done in 20 minutes that used to take a whole half day.
It’s the travelling that does it, In London you’re always travelling
or preparing to travel or recovering from travelling. I’ll
be traveling to LA on Monday. And already I’ll be meeting two
production companies. Robin Aarding and Gemma a British
girl from Looking Gloss Productions

August 8| 97| Fort Fuckup

2008-07-11T15:15:00.003-07:00

Going to met Dan at 11am to pick up some furniture
Had a great day yesterdy we went to Pepitos and then
we got Martin a mattress and then on to Lowthon for Bernies's
barbecue. I totally enjoyed it. I even swam in the pool
They had excellent hot dogs. Bob drove us back and
Martin loved this.

Bob was going on about how great America is he says
‘I was thinking the other day how lucky I am..I’m white …
I’m American and I’m wealthy..”
‘Yeah but you’re stupid” I said
Martin almost broke something laughing in the back seat
Then we went to the uptowm meeting and after that to Figlios.
It was nice. Plenty of young women around. It rained and Martin
and I walked back. And we met a guy on the street who stopped
us and simply said’ Hey watch out you guys there’s a hell of a
dance party going on across the street” The toilet backed up
which I blame Martin's air-impacted overly incubated shit for.
There hadn’t been a problem till he dumped his anally interned
cargo after travelling 5,000 miles anyway Mikey actually brught
me a plunger and it soon was all water under the ..well you
know what I mean.

Seeing this place through Martin’s eyes tells me there’s no question
that I mad the right decision. I feel young too. I even danced in the
rain with all thise young things. It was excellent .I didn’t even think
twice about it. I feel so liberated like it’s actually ok to be myself.
America will do that for you. And I jumped into that pool yesterday
without being in the slightest biit self-conscious.
I discovered American dollars are waterproof.

Martin says he saw women “gladding him up’ that they were giving him
the “glad eye” He wants to write screenplays and bebecome rich. He likes
Sam Shepherd. I told him he lives around here somewere. Martin really
pissed me off once in Farnce because he said to the owner of the Mercedes
estate that I needed to drive around in, that I couldn’t drive. I nearly didn’t
get the car because of him. We were all staying an extra week.
He was going home with Alex and he wouldn’t even trust me to drive
him to the fucking railway station. I had a driving licence and everything.
But he said this in front of the guy whose car it was. I could have strangled
the cunt He hasn’t said anything about cars at al,l this time.

I‘m at my desk and we heard that BMW like the Santa idea.
I just had lunch and a haircut with Martin. The girl who cut my hair
was really nice. Referring to the life she had in St LaCroix I said,
‘You so don’t know how lucky you are”
I was only patronising her.I didn't actually mean it.
I was just trying to see if I could hit on her.
“Oh yes I do” she says.
That threw me.

Last night we went st see Dreams of Fishes.
I bought the cd Dead Man Walking. And now Martin is always going
on about it ,the mad fuck. I lost the keys ...all of them to my
new house. There I was with a $300,000 house and I’m having to use
the remote control garage door-opener to get in. The neighbour must
be having a fucking howl watching the antics of the their new nutty neighbour.
I don't even have a car.

I’m back now after getting a call from Robert Aarding.
He says he’d like to do my “spot” for nothing
I can’t believe it. Bob looked at me and just says
’You’re a quiet one” meaning I think that he was envious
and respectful at the same time. The guy does seem to be keen though.
I‘ll be in LA (should I say the long form?) Los angeles) Next week
on this BMV print shoot so I’ll hook up with him there. I’m only sad that
Tom Mcfucking Seerson will have to be given a credit on it but I guess it makes
the thing look even more respectable. Little Sid. Harmonica Sid that is, called.
I enjoyed talking to him. It was touching that he should call me from all that distance.
Barbar Yunstein called to ask me about other people she could approach in london
with a view to getting them to come to Killallon. Bitch. I always feel like she conned
me when she got me this job but it’s just paranoia. I hope.
She said the London office had been given the go ahead. Fuck.
I could have stayed there and not come here at all
Still it's a cool place…kind off. I’m enjoying it.
Aren’t I?

Wednesday Night | August 5| Fort Fuckup

2008-07-11T15:07:00.000-07:00

Martin arrived last night looking like he’d
been microwaved. He's dyed his cropped hair kind of ginger.
He brought news of the irrepressible Dylan who has taken
to using a mobile phone. Apparently what he does is talk
business on it..on the train on the bus, or walking selling
himself and his music (quite well apparently)but having concluded
his business he presses "end" and shoves the phone back into a sock
hat he carries specifially for this purpose.
Yip a real player.

Today I‘ll get a bed I hope for mark and some furniture
from the agency. And we’re going off to Bernie’s going
away do in Lowthon.

Idea.
Someone’s so old they won’t even buy a green banana.

30 July | 1997 | Fort Fuckup

2008-07-10T21:00:00.000-07:00

Here we are again new stereo and new walkman anti-shock.
I saw the rushes of PEE for BMV and it looks good.
Ma is in good form Shiela and Brian went to Branigans Pub to
play cards. They had a good time. I got some postcards from
England, Harmonica Sid amongst them. He sent me a sympathy card for
Matty. Nice of him really. But I immediately began thinking he was
only angling for an invitation to come and stay with the great
wonderful me.

Got a letter from the Expert, he has a business card with just his
phone number and the word EXPERT on it, and when you ask him
about it he says" yeah well what do you want to know? Just ask me"
Austailian AA guy. Met hom in london. He might come and visit me.

I’m sure that Kate Schmidt is after me.
Tylee got a little pissed of today because he was tired
of the way I get get things approved when he's not there.
I don’t blame him. Sebastian used to do sneaky stuff like this all
the time. It drove me nuts. I’ll need to keep an eye on that.
The Pee ad is looking good. Old William whasname did a good job.
I hope the editor can rise to the occasion. At least it’s shot now.
The poster for Nikon (fridge) is approved so that’s going to be nice.
I’m going to get some free furniture from Shaun Tierney on Friday.
Which s cool. Office stuff only but who cares. I’m slimmer now
I can definitely feel it and it feels great. I keep thinking all these
chicks are coming on me I maybe right but my ego is just
not a reliable guage.

There’s absolutey nothing in my fridge.
Huge fridge with half an onion in it. I’ve got
some coffee but that’s about it. It’s a lovely morning that awful
heart is now subsided. Ted really liked the christmas idea yesteardy
He said ‘nice diving catch” I‘m assuming that’s a baseball thing.
Graham said something about making “a silk purse out of a sow’s ear”
I think that’s his version on speaking "European" Now I know how
much praise Sebastian must have got when I wasn’t
around. Also I now know how hard it is to resist encouaraging it.
The praise is so sweet. And the women like Kate Schmidt
look at you differently. Like you’re suddenly good looking.
That slight tilt of the head that denotes attraction. Sebastian
being the front-man was lapping it up for years I can see Carter
going the same way as I did. Moody and wronged but unabe to
say anything about it because why complain when the ideas are
being well received? I mean I’m not doing anything wrong I’m just
doing what'sin front of me. And he gets his credit doesn’t he?
Well then.
If it had been left to him he would have been too
busy slitting his wrists to do a decent ad. I just keep my own
area clean I can only control myself.... I can’t control him.

Dry cleaners were closed before I could get to them.
So I was forced to turn up looking rough at the big
Thursday night meeting (no suitin other words) but it was still
enjoyable. Always is. Work’s going well. We did a funny thing on the
Pond sequence with W as Santa. (Paint a white beard and santa hat on him)
Works well. Graham likes it. Graham is a funny guy. I get the feeling he’d
like to befriend me. I feel I should go along with it bit I'm afraid of
him finding out about me..like being in AA and my way of life.

Funny thought: a guy who hasn’t been laid in so long he has
to take out his archaeological brush to find his penis.
He has to organize a Dig to have a wank.

July 28 | 1997

2008-07-04T12:01:00.000-07:00

This time it's Dublin Airport waiting for the
E1603 to Amsterdam to connect with St LaCroix
I’ve had a brill break and am now ready for the
next onslaught. I’ll be in los Angeles next week.

I was glad Brian was home with his wife Tabitha and
the kids because it took the pressure off me to
be the entertainment. I saw an ad I’d written in a
magazine at a stand in the airport. I did it at Saatchis.
It had taken this long to come out.It's funny but I
just heard a last call for Heathrow and I instinctively
began to get up. I’m glad I don’t have to go there
today. Maybe soon but not today. Anyway, it was
nice to see that. Another one for the portfolio.

I feel much better about Ma now too.
I think she’ going to be alright. Kieran (Ma’s
brother’s nephew) (whatever that means) gave me
a big talk about money. He’s some sort of an accountant
but he’s also a teacher. Incapable of shutting the fuck up
which combined with his searingly bad breath is not a
good scenario.I can’t keep up with these lunatics they’re
a very complicated lot. It was doing Tabitha’s head in.
Mine too. All these Catholics with 13 kids.
She has hardly any relatives. Protestant you see.
And also Phil’s brother Frank didn’t get married till
he was 50 and even then it was to a nineteen year old.
Fucking right. Nit so crazy after all. In the picture they
showed me she looked so young beside him I started
to get jealous.

I enjoyed the Kilkenny AA meetings this time too.
Maybe it helps that I’m only around for a few days.
ny longer and I remember only too clearly why I left.
Also it may be because I hadn’t actually been to a
meeting for 5 days before that. Brian told me about
a guy who spent years hooting in his garden like a
rare owl.Then one night he received “reply-hoots.”
He was thrilled.
But it turned out that the replies were coming
from over the hedge next door from an equally
enthusiastic hoot-head. I thought there might
be an ad in this until I realized Kit Kat did it ages
ago with Duck hunters.

Ok here we are on the plane. Nice seat 1F
Grumpy looking fuck beside me. I hope he’s not
reading as I write this. I don’t like Aer Lingus I get
a bad vibe from them and Ma told me Dan Duggan
(a guy who used to work with da) had such a bad
experience with them lately that when they offered
him a £100 voucher towards a new ticket he told them
he wanted it in cash because he was never going fly with
them again. So I suppose I can now be counted among the
unhappy with Aer Lingus. If I was on the Oprah Winfrey
and I was called on to speak from the audience you
would see “DOESN’T LIKE AER LINGUS” on the caption
at the bottom of the screen.

A really tasty looking cick has just slinked in between me
and the grumpy looking fuck. Is there no rest? Now let’s see.
Black pinstripe suit Nice tan not, too much. Looks like a much
younger and very blonde Zoe Wannamaker. She’s beside me
flicking her magazine. Cooly. They’re always cool aren’t they?
Like they couldn’t care if you lived or died beside them.
And they always have that little half smile as if they’ve just
had the most serious shagging 10 minutes before coming
on board. I need a holiday.I suppose I've just had one.
Looking at her again she probably really has just had
a shagging.

There was a cab driver right outside the Gresham Hotel a guy
waiting for a cab in front of me. Cab picks him up and fucks off.
I’m waiting for another one. What happens? The same cab comes
back with the same guy in the back and says “Jump in”
I‘m thinking I don’t like being roared at by this Dublin fuck and I
don’t like sharing with another Dublin fuck either.
But I don’t see any other cabs around either so I go for it.
Now you can tell this cab driver is just dying to immerse
you in some of the most vebal vermin unleashable. I’ve been
reading a book about Newgate prison. In the 1700’s.Ther's
vermin and prostitutes and a lot of plague. The condemned
women were desperate to get men to shag them because if
they could “plead the belly “ they would be spared.
Pity there aren’t more condemned bitches around.
I sound terrible. If someone else was talking like this
I'd think they were savages.
She’s just touched me. Miss Pinstripe has just touched me.
Moving her newspaper she touched me...twice.
I’ll have to go to the toilet for a wank.

Well I just had a smoked salmon which I
didn’t eat because I’m on a diet and cheese and coffee
for breakfast. “Would you like some champagne?” she says
Would she like an international incident?

I just read in my free newspaper that one
Private William Tandy of the Royal Howards Regiment had
the chance to shoot Corporal Adolf Hitler in the first world war
but didn’t because he felt he couldn’t shoot a wounded man.
When Hitler became chancellor in 1935 he sent a guy over to
England to buy a painting of Tandry From The Regiment.
A painting had been commissioned of Tandry because he
had won a VC for his exploits.
Hitler wanted one for his wall.
There‘s a whole film in that alone.

So St LaCroix better watch the fuck out man. I’m going to
get some serious work done between now and Christmas.
I’m determined to get a Piller Lite ad done.

Amsterdam/ Schipol Airport
Just got through customs. Jesus they don’t mess around these
clogheads they want to know every fucking thing about you...
where you came from what you’re doing why you’re doing
in Holland how long were you there ..do you have anything
electrical? Did you pack your own bags? Your passport is very
old already what happened to it. What? Shower? You had it in the shower?
"No. The water fom the shower sprinkled on it. It was on the floor
of the bathroom you fucking cloggy dyke."
It was a chick a really big chick. Then she takes my passport
and my precious 1st class ticket over to some other cloghead
half-her height and who looked like a diminutive Don Johnson.
They talk for a long long time. The weather.The price of hash?
Was Midnight express a fair representation of Airport securtity in
Turkey? Fuck-knows-what.
She comes back at last.
And I’m treated to a funny moment involving
an American. This girl is heading the wrong way back from
the security gates.
"Madame, madam do you have a boarding
pass? Where are you going?"
The young affronted woman replies
"I was sitting in there with my friend ...my American friend"
This last bit as if the entire airport should freeze in terror lest the
F-elevens’s wreak righteous wrath having taken off from a nearby
air-base in Germany. By the way, miss Pinstripe turned out to have
a male escort who was unbeknownst to me sitting behind us all
the time. What a slut.
She was definately flirting with me. Well kind of.. She brushed off
me twice. She was begging for it. She’s probably had more dick in
her life than the palm of my right hand

I can’t stand all the ads on the radio.
There you are tuned ito the radio. Why? Because you’re trying to listen
to some music Next thing you know you’re listening to some prick going
on about mobile phones. How dare I say this? Isn’t it likely that I myself had
penned one of these prick-laden ads? Well yes and no. I do GOOD ads even if
they never get made they’re usually good ads. That’s why I'm allowd to work
in advertising and at the same time slag off ads. This is the kind of dishonesty
( “dooality “ they call it in the US) that you need to master if you ‘re going to
work in this business. And there's plenty of people who will support you in
this self-deception. Because the money’s so good. I really don’t feel worthy
of a relationship while I’m doing this job. Seriously, I feel or I’m beginning
to realize that I’m starting to feel dirty doing this job.

Even so I’m not going to give it up. What do you think of that?
What does that make me ? A coward? What would I be if I decided
to give it up to write little books like this? Would I then be the hero
of my own conscience or just an idiot who threw away $200,000 a year
with a good prospects of even more. I‘m gonna ride this fucker for
all its worth and try not to lose my mind in the meantime.

THE ONLY BUMPS YOU’LL FEEL IN A 7 SERIES
and you show a close-up of goosebumps.

Two faggots are making their way towards me, down separate aisles
like male bridesmaid pushing grey trolleys in front of them.
They’re wearing light grey high waisted jackets and black slacks.
That’s enough.

The movies they‘re showing on the little first class boxes are crap
AND you’re expected to pay for them with your credit card.
Still these seats are the business. I don’t know how I’ll ever get
used to economy again.

I’m worried about the on coming Winter.
Everyone tells me I‘m not worried enough. I don’t even know why
I took the fucking job. I knew the Winter would be very bad.
But I know I‘ll just have to see what happens.
It’s funny these are the kinds of thoughts I don’t normally allow myself.
Fuck the Winter I’ll either be at work or at an AA meeting or in bed so
what’s the big fucking deal? The fag refills your nutbowl with a kind of
silver spoon.The bowl looks like tiny eggcup. I’ve had to take my
headphones off again because they’re trying to raise money for
corrective facial surgery for children. I was going to suggest the
fag could use some work.And now here they come with boiled napkins.
30 minutes from St LaCroix.

July 29 | 1997

2008-06-23T14:57:00.000-07:00

I’m down on the ground now I’m writing this on the
surface of a smoker’s bin at Schiphol. Gate G7 waiting
for Aer lingus E1603 1025 I‘ll become a plane spotter soon.
Still don’t know what aer lingus means.

I found out yesterday that "Rain Check" comes from rain cheque
(the yanks can’t spell) which is something they used to give you
at the general store if they ran out of something. It’s like a voucher.
Although I‘m still not sure where the rain comes in.
It’s funny to to think that the meaning of Rain check is so embedded
in our culture in from American tv shows but I really had no idea
whereit came from.

I‘m looking around here at Schiphol trying to think up
ideas for ads (for United Airlines maybe) I was thinking
a glass world would be a good place for headlines and copy..
with real people standing positioned under or in front of it.

I could do with a fuck.
Seriously It’s been 4 years tomorrow.
Four years...that’s really embarrassing. I know that sex for
the sake of sex is not going to make me feel very good but
I mean it might be worth it just to rejoin the human race.
And it’s strange because externally I say I’m embarrassed
but another part of me is really proud of it. It’s really
nothing to be ashamed of. I mean if If some other
guy told me he hadn’t had sex for 4 years I think
I’d respect him. (I'd tell him that externallly but
deep down I wouldn't trust him)

There's something about moral people.

They seem happier. Not as worried looking.
Anyway, having said that I’d prefer to meet a
girl who also hasn’t had sex for 4 years.
Now you’re talking my particular brand of
spoken-broken-English.

I’m going to go mad in Schiphol duty-free
on the way back getting all the stuff I can’t
get in St LaCroix

You know the pictures that come back from places
like Mars? Look out the window of our office in Killallon
Fitzpatrickand you’ll see the same thing.Maybe the whole
city is a hoax like the moonlandings and the holocaust.

Alright now, steady.

Full ahead ding ding. Mind those icebergs.

Flying around the world on company money.
For a fucked up dude like myself who’s unable to stay
in one place for 10 minutes it’s perfect.

Tell you what though,Dublin is looking good.
I could live here what the hell. I needed something
to jerk me out of London...and ok it’s agood agency
but life’s too short. I like Ireland there’s nothing
wrong with it. I just need to suss out AA first.

Ted, a founder-member of Killalon Fitzpatrick,
was out for the count at the BMV technicians
meeting. There he was pen poised but dead asleep.
The pen is in the air as if he’s paused in thought about to
write something down but no....he’s asleep.The only reason
I noticed it at all, was because I wanted to see if he and Graham
were feeling the jet lag as badly as I was. And I could barely
keep my eyes open long enough to acknowledge that Ted was
asleep. Anyway Graham and I found it hilarious. I think I
endeared myself to him later on when I said he was like
one of those petrified Pompeii people. He laughed.

Later
Oh dear oh dear it’s all go to day. Here I am on the 3.05
trainfrom Heuston Station Dublin to Kilkenny. Puts me in
mind of an nice billboard I once saw here which showed an
empty pint of Guinness with the headline...
’Heuston we have a problem”

I’ve just been to an AA meeting on Molesworth street just off
Dawson sterett and it worked out really sweet with this train
schedule. Dublin is looking great.I hope Killallon open up a
shop here too. I can even get money out of AIB cash machines.
The women (here we go again) are tasty AND Irish which
is normally a contradiction in terms. I like to think
I’m getting the glad-eye from quite a few.

I rang the mother.
She has chicken Kievs bought and I know that
means she’s excited. Dublin looks good.I always
seem to want to live everywhere I visit. Munich
Dublin..The cab-driver told me a story about his da
which was brought about by a young woman
bewailing the death of some gentleman on
the radio.

'My father nearly paid for being a gentLeman with hIs life”
Good opening headline I thought... how can I not want to
hear more?

‘My father used to drive those oil trucks
He’d drive them up and down the country full and empty.
Anyway one day he stops for this young one on the side
of the road. She’s after getting a flat tyre. She’s waving
him down and the father pulls over and gets out.He takes
one look at the jack she has the car on and he say he’ll
get his own from the truck. So he gets his and he’s just
sliding it under and doesn’t the fucking car slip off her jack
and onto the father’s hand. His hand and the best part of his
arm completely crushed. The company wouldn’t give hima
penny because “He was working for someone else when he
was hurt” They would have let him go( funny how "let go" is
reserved for relatives and friends when everyone else gets
“fired”) only his friends said they’d go on strike... 'and do
you know that woman was a big farmer in the area and she
never gave him so much as a fiver."

I was thinking why should she pay the guy anything if he’s
stupid enough (forgive me) to stop the truck duringhis working
hours to help some chick and he fucks up his arm then he can’t
expect her to pay him compensation. Anyway better she fucks up
his arm than his head. That’s what they normally do. Misodgenist?
Me? I can’t even spell it. Suffice it to say they’re all money-grabbing
sluts. Well some of them are. Well ok, my ex is. Was.

So Dublin. Dix Point. I’m looking forward to my Pee BMV ad and
I think it’ll be brilliant. I don’t care if they run it or not I just want to
get it made.I hope they do though. Then I can send it to Campaign
and Creative Review and sick it up Sbastian's tightly shut hole.
Whatever.
I am actually using ‘whatever” in my everyday vernack?
I caught myself saying “You guys“ the other day. It may already be
too late for me. God those fuckers were boring last night.I kept
looking at the people at the other tables to try and keep interested.
One guy about 45 with abig nose came in all swagger and tweed
with what I immediately decided was his most recent purchase.
Half his age and half Moroccan looking big lips and white nylon,
flared leggings and you canimagine the arse on it....
yes you’ve got it. Everything pert and everything exactly
were it should be. She oozed dirt.
Seeping out of her pores it was.

There was a black guy playing the piano and Tweedy gave him a
tip and waved goodbye to everyone in the restaurant before leaving
with his walking talking mannekin. Waved? As if to acknowlede that
he knew we were all looking at him and his girlfriend. Girfriend?
But now they really must be leaving.
They had all manner of fucking to do.

At another table there was what I assumed was a
husband and wife and daughter Now this daughter was
something else. There was money involved that went with
out saying. Money definitely had the comfortable
seat with the best view.She wore white pearls and a
brown cardigan over a gentle grass-green top.
Very hair-up and long-fingered. The thing is though
she was small. Being small myself I know I’ll never have
attention lavished on my knob by some 6 foot model but
when she’s small and to hell with it..petite when she’s
petits and so obviously tailor-made for me then it’s a
little harder My knob that is.And the idea of shagging
someone’s daughter is also very important . The fact
that they would have more or less approved of the act
will encourage the daughter to give herself more
freely to me. Anyway I scanned the rings and it was all
over. Some other fucker was already in there.
Mind you if she was with me the only ring she’d get
on her finger would be when I ask her to stick it up
my hole whie I fucked her in the face.

Oh me miserum.
What’s a sick fuck to do? Here we are rolling along courtesy of CIE through
the slurry blurry greenery that is Co Kildare. Anyway looks like I’ll be flying
around in the stratosphere like ozone for the next few months. Shooting
the print work or BMV in August-Sept. Shooting the TV September/October.
And the post production will no doubt take me into Christmas.
Then this new stuff needs to be done for July next year.

I’ll wave at you from above.
And the hotel rooms will get to me I dare say I ‘ll develop some
sort of system. I really don’t know how you’re supposed to have a
relationship with all that flying around.Mind you, I don’t know how
you’re supposed to have a relationship full stop. Hmm? Tomorrow
I’ll be 4 years sober. 4 years. It sounds so serious.
I really feel different recently. I must be growing. Maybe the move
to the US and Matty pegging it That’s the first time I‘ve used such a
light expression to describe his death. It's made me more mature.
Or more something. But I feell like I can handle stuff a lot better
than I used to. I didn’t drink so that’s often all that matters.

It’s nice to have goals.You know? Something to aim for.
I feel like I am defefinately being taken care of by something
‘up there” That’s it that’s’ as far as I’ m going. I’ve got to write
this cunting book by this time next year.
Typed done and finished.
The end.

This BMV guy we had dinner with last night lost all this weight.
I didn’t know until Ted asked him how he lost it all. And he said as
usual in “ze very german axcent theer was a break up with a girl
involved" I couldn’t help thinking even this fucking boring kraut is
getting shagged also he tod a funny story...he loves his BMV and he
was driving it along some Alpine road in Italy (as you do) and this
guy in a fucked-up Fiat pulls beside him and starts shouting
'Bella machina.. bella machina"
So he thinks nothing of it and drives on. But the Italian fan stays
on his tail which isn’t as easy as it sounds since the Fiat has seems
better “Journos” So he shouts to him to pull over. On the side of the
road after a few more references to the "Bella machina" the Kraut
is astonished to hear that he is being challenged to a race.
"Si.. a race.. "
'What about the police?" says the kraut since he knows "In Italy you
can get arrested for driving in fourth gear" this is a geman cardriver's
joke because in germany there is no speed limit.The Kraut is used to
the autobahns where they have nict speed limits and the BNV
speedometers reflect this on their dials going up to 120 130 140 kph.
”No poliza today” says "Bellahead mysteriously.
"Fair enoughenstrasse" says Kraut-mouth and off they go.
Bellahead is left in a mess of his own making and an hour later he turns
up at the BMV camp. The kraut said he would have driven on and left the
Italian wondering forever only he was curious to know why the guy had
said there would be no police today. He thought maybe there was
something Sicillian thing going on. Bella explained by pulling out his
Police badge.
"You’ll receive a speeding summons within the week"
Actually he dIdn’t fine him I couldn’t resist adding that in there because
I hated the german bastard so much for telling such a predicatable story
where I knew the Italian guy was a copthe moment he said "no police today"
but the fucking germann cunt proably gets great laughs out of this story.
Who the fuck did he think he was talking to?
But more worrying even in my jet lagged state I could see that
doing ads for humourless fucks likethis wasn’t going to be easy.

There's a girl sitting opposite me now and yes you guessed it
I’d give her one.
Blue sleeveless top with ribbed wool causing nice shadowed furrows
undulating on her breathing tits. Long blonde frizzy hair, tight jeans
and healie boots. Kind of wrinkled here and there on the face
Troubled looking. Probably works too hard or her father gives
it to her up the shitter. Freckles. Lipstick. She could do without
that. Great eyes though very mature. She‘s playing with her hair.
I like that.Hang on she’s eating a Mrs bar .She has an angry look
about her Like she’s got a right to be angry. I can’t imagine her
naked and happy. I bet she’d be a ferocious ride. All that rage.
She’s cold now .She's just taken a sweater out of her bag and
put it on. Fuck. It looks good on her though. I’m thinking
maybe she’s onto me that she knows I‘m writing about her as
he’s sitting right there in front of me and that’s what she’s angry
about. She’s just taken one of her boots off. And now she's
taking something out of it.
A stone? A twig. Imagine her after a long walk .Tired but happy.
Happy because she's with you. Her feet hurting and her boots ruined
but she doesn’t care and neither do you What are boots for after all?
Walking. And you sing that song and she joins in and you both walk the
last mile back to the rented cottage that took you two weeks to agree
on. Did it have a good view of the sea? Dit have TV video? Do we even
want TV video?Was there a shop nearby. All she’s done is sit in front
of me and read her BEST magazine. "That’s it." she says
"You’ve gone too far. I need some space. It’s not you it’s me"
"I know we haven’t even met yet but I don’t
thnk we should see each other any more"

Not long now Kilkenny. The mother will be waiting.
I‘m trying to be cool about coming home but I’m really
looking forward to it now. I hope she’s not going to be
miserable. The design centre will need visiting and of course
I can get as much money as I fucking well like thanks to my
charge card. Charge. Hang on I think I got caught by the
chick opposite. You know when you’re sitting opposite
someone? Well, you know when you look at
the window? Well you can see that person’s reflection
can’t you? Well there I was checking her out in the
reflection and when I when I caught her eye in there.
She was checking me out too.
In the reflection. The slut.

July 20/21 Hotel in Munich 1997

2008-06-20T16:36:00.000-07:00

I’m in bed. Room 342 n the Munic Hilton.
I’ve been reading the BMV handbook (yawn)
I must say the whole thing wasn’t as bad as I
thought it was going to be. I even slept on the
flight over (they flew us First Class which was
a nice surprise.And Bruce didn’t make me
work which was another nice surprise)
We went for a german meal at Badu Haus.
And had pork and some sort of Dumpling.
My bag arrived in time. Ted and Graham
bumped into two advertisng guys they knew
who were working on ads for Audi whose
head office also in Munich

July 21
One of the most excruciatingly boring days
of my life except for seeing the new M3 car
and ringing Micheal Ravage who says all
went well with the Pee shoot.

July 22
Last night we went to a French-sounding place
with all the gang. I enjoyed it more today since we
were shown some ropey ads from WCRS 9the British
ad agency who are trying to win BNV back (yawn)
and they unveiled the new coupe BMW (yawn)
they made a big deal out of it as if anyone
gave a fuck.

I’m back in the hotel.
There’s going to be a run-through for the Shane
Pond stuff at 7pm tomorrow. I’ll be presenting it
This nice way to live. I’ll be off to Los Angeles next.
I could get good at this transient life. Ringing in for
messages by proxy I actually prefer it to being stuck
in a dingy office. And you get to see the world a bit.
And all these people I'm meeting may even be useful
some day. And it’s official I’ve lost some weight.
Now I just have to keep it that way .

The air here in Munich is nice and fresh and eurpeaon
not like in humid St LaCroix. Two guys at the dinner
last nigh twere sympathizing with me over the oncoming
winter saying your tearducts freeze up. They scared me
because they wee from canada Not because I have a thing
about canadians but because they should know what
they're talking about. I‘m so sick of people going on
about it. They love it. You can see it in their faces they
love explaining how horrible it’s going to be. When I try to
be optimistic about the place someone says ‘wait until winter'
That’s all anyone seems to do there is wait until winter.
I can’t help thinking Sebastian is pissing himself
laughing somewhere after orchestrating my
removal from London. But then I forget it was me
who took the job. I moved here not him.
Yes yes it was me who took the job.

Thursday\ Klm flight to Amsterdam and then Dublin
Last night at yet another dinner I found myself in
front of a Kraut spouting the most insane shight
I think I‘ve ever heard. On and on the Kraut mouth
spewed into the surrounding Munichness I might have
enjoyed the craziness of it if I hadn’t been so devastatingly
tired. I really resented having to sit there and bear the pain.
For pain it was, towards the end.

I'd flinch watching another course being ordered
thinking how long it was going to take the assembled
bastardage to consume it. But yea when the bill arrived
my soul sangeth. All in all it was a great trip I enjoyed it.
Funny that, because in the actual moment I found it
gruelling. I really enjoyed mooching around Munich
buying little trinkets.I got a book on soviet posters.
Also the german frauleins were a sight to behold.

The northern Germans come south to Bavaria for their
holidays. So I‘m forced to concede that it wasn’t nearly as bad as
I thought. And I will grudgingly give in to the fact that it was not
unlike a little holiday in itself. I feel ashamed that I got a bit surly
towards the end but that’s insomnia for you.

By the way BMV loved the Shane Pond ads we’d done and we got
go–ahead which wasafter all the only reason we’d gone there in
der Firstenplatz.

I will always remember the programme called Space Night on
German TV which shows sattelite camera imagery of the earth and
titles them Sud Afrika. Excellent techno music. It’s perfect sure
fodder for 3am when your body alarm-clock has been set off too
soon. Also beware the mini bar not because I was worried about
the booze but because I drank more Coca Cola and ate
more crisps than I would ever normally do. And so I end up
bloated greasy and guiltriddem...
like I shagged someone I shouldn’t

Graham was pretty good to me even though I thought he
was a complete cunt on the lsat evening. But then anyone
who inhabitated that blue globe featured so heavenly on Space
Night was a complete cunt on that last evening.
I wonder if Hitler ever had Jet lag I tell you …you’d kill
an extra million just for the hell of it when you’re jet lagged and
underslept. Here coms the fraulein with Brakfast.
Nice coffee and mineral water bitte schoon.
Whaminzi baminzi Danke Maam.

Graham and Ted are a funny pair.
They work well as a team, Ted is really like a Midwestern cop.
He directs traffic with aplomb. Graham is like cross between
Peter Cushing and Clint Eastwood. He always looks to me
like he’s dead. Pale with Blue veins under his eyes.
He say things like “Shoot” and “Goofy” and “I apologise”
He also has this way of going “Huh” when he wants to indicate
that what has just been said is impressive to him.
When I first heard it I thought it was a sarcastic snort
But having heard him use it in the presence of clients
I now realize this can’t be the case.

I have also noticed other members of the Untited State
Citizenry employ this gutteral eulogy and so I‘m going
to assume it’s widespread and not particlar to Graham.
Ted has this nice way ”Um” ‘ ‘Ha’ after a ....
....hang on.... the KLM Dutch stewardess has just
offered the guy beside me a ‘nappy”
She quickly realised her mistake and said “napkin”
and laughed lightly as one would if one was really was
just happy with life; as if hurtling along at 500 miles an
hour in a fucking Aerial Submarine was the most natural thing in
the Blue Globe to be doing at 7am in the der morningstrasse.

"Nappy" is right. I reckon it was a Freudian slip on her part.
The reason she said nappy to your man was she was thinking
“This is likefeeding a load of fucking babies all helpless and
shitting themselves” An altitudenal maternity ward.

I myself, prefer the comparision to battery hens.
You know when they have all those hens in their little cages and
just their heads sticking out for feeding. Feathers everywhere and
hen shit. And their beaks have been cut off so they can’t peck at each
other and so their meat is kept intact. (There were quite a few german
chicks whose foul-mouths I wouldn’t have minded getting my cock into)
Those young things in white vests. Vests now, not t-shirts.
Not a bra in sight and the fucking little tits on them. Hard as apples.
“Oh Willie das ist gut gut gut ja ja ja bitte”
Blonde hair and blonde skin too.
Hitler the sneaky cunt knew what he was on about.

Now the door to the pilots cockpit is open and one little cunt of
a kid has just gone in and is standing there between two dutch
pilots being shown the controls. It’s that scene from airplane
”Ever been in a Turkish prison?”
If that was me when I was a kid I’d be wanting to be a pilot
for about an hour after the flight. Anyway the stewerdsees
gave the two real children (the pilots) some of the leftover
food that we would have got if we’d wanted seconds.
Attention we’re making our descent hold on to you duty-free.
We’re going in.Rat a tat-a-tat. I can see the pilot on the
left reaching up and pressing swiches
on his little ceiling. He looks like he’s got a Walkman on.
The guy on the right is resting on what I suppose is some sort
of thrusting lever. They both look like they’re juust playing at
pilots. You can’t see anything out the window except white so
they could be in their bathroom for all we know.
Or they could be a rock duo posing for an album cover.
The uniforms don’t quite fit and their hairstyles are too fashionable.
Like when a kid gets in the driving seat of a car and start turning the
wheel.That’s what these two professional pilots look like at 30,000
feet. I’m sure they’ve sepnt 15 years of their lives to get to this point
and maybe even one of them lost his wife or girlfriend to his one
true love (the sky) and maybe they both hate each other and only
tolerate each other for the sake of the safety and efficiancy of the
airline. It’s just that they just don’t look it.They look like a couple
of big kids in shirts that were given to them an hour ago.
The dutch stewardess who wanted to put a nappy on the guy
next to me just became deep and profound and announced
"Our Decent"
She now sounds like she’s got a Cork accent.
Ok here we are we’ve landed at Schiphol.
Now what?

july | 97 | St LaCroix

2008-06-12T16:41:00.000-07:00

Doug (the guy they've got me working with) wasn't in today
so all’s calm. Graham wasn’t there either and now I’m just
waiting for Fabio (from the travel department) to sort out
my flight to Ireland and Munich. I slept well last night
despite a huge thunderstorm in the middle of the night.
Fucking thing woke me up. Never heard anything like it.
No one seems to think much of it here.
If it was london it'd be on the fucking news.

I’m sitting in D’Amicos after a tasty cherry scone and I’ve
just bought a nice new phone..it’s see–though…and some
little speakers just to tide me over for the Walkman and the
Mac. I’ve got all my travel to Munich and Ireland all sorted
out and it won’t even cost anything more to go to Ireland.

I‘ve briefed out those storyboards and I rang Andy in
London who says that the Saatchi heads are all in
conference about what to do with the future of the
company. Glad I’m not there for that. I spoke to Tobin
Jouffe (a director that Jack met) (jack is yet another
copywriter I'm working with) and I think I managed to
interest him in the Time Magazine spot. Clever me.

A girl just smiled at me because she was trying to get
the attention of the shitty lazy staff here. Hey hey.
I’m just after getting my hair cut by a girl called Sheeba.
And dare I say it I think I’ve lost some weight.
I can always see it more clearly when I‘ve had my haircut.

July 19 | Saturday night at the StLaCroix Beige Airport
I’m waiting at gate 6 for my flight to Amsterdam which
will connect for Munich. Flight 10pm long wait. Graham is
imminent. I’m watching out for his skeletal frame.I already
spotted him lurking around I have to to say I’m not looking
forward to this. Still, it’s not exactly hard work sitting on a
plane. Last night I had a good laugh with the boys Mike,
Jerry, Bob with their Parents at a place called Manny’s. Big
fatsteaks all round.They seem to really like me I mean
really really like me. I’m suspicious of course.

A tasty chick has just sat down next to me.
Hispanic looking. At least this shitty airport is air
conditioned. It’s so humid outside although today is a little
cooler. Troy the tall good looking cunt and Pete the squeaky
needy one called around to the house just after me having
had my second earth shattering wank of the day. I was
naturally glowing until I realised that Pete was having
girlfriend probems and he wanted to know if he could stay
with me in my new house since I had so much space.
The short answer I had for him was “fuck right off you
little cunt” but instead I said ’don’t stop looking for a
place to stay while I think about it”

I rang Phil and she’s in good form.
She talked about Brian Rafferty opening a new Restaurant in
Kikenny with Caislean Cuan which is supposed to be the
last word in trendiness.

The female announcer is telling us in a ridicoulously nasal voice
that she’ll...get the Reno flight out of the way before I help you
go on to Amsterdam” In London they’ve started calling Tube
passengers “Customers” and the guy who inspects the tickets
to see if you’re cheating is now a ‘Revenue Control Officer”
As for me? I’d rather take the red-eye to Reno.

There really are some serious rednecktypes around and
yet the women are fucking stunning, Apparently the gay
population the (fag-count) is second only to San Fran which
is fine since that leaves all these not yet fucked-up women
to the likes of me. Not that I’m ever going to bury my particular
badger. (Badge in the vadge?) Found pictures of Penny today.
Fair dues to me, she was tasty. I fucked her thousands of times.
The tasty Spanish chick just got up and left.maybe she senses
the evil or was she was reading it? Slut.

Back from a wander around the airport. I’ve concluded that
Ted and Graham are in the 1st class lounge chilling. Suits me.

I don’t care any more.
When I see a young chick with a beautiful body, I look.
I mentally record it ....for later. Yes that’s right.
Tim (yet another copywriter) is probably in the middle
of nowhere shooting the BNV Piss script. with
whatshisface. Again, suits me.

I don’t want to drink more water and
then I do want to drink more. Yes yes it’s like that.
"That's where the party's at...and you'll find out
when you do that"

Graham... Grahamee..
Grahameeistic oh the Grahameeness of it all.
Ted and Graham. Graham and Ted. Ted ’n’ Graham.
Ted's head...Graham's Fame
You know what I mean? Yes it's like that

july 10 | sunday | 1997 |St LaCroix

2008-06-11T08:46:00.000-07:00

Walkman on listening to Paul Weller drinking a cup
of microwaved coffee in... wait for it...My New House.
The washing is on downstairs in the basement and
I‘m waiting for Shawn (they spell everything wrong here)
to pick me up to go to a barbeque.

The house is fantastic.

I did the ten minute Chair at the Saturday night AA
meeting. Went down well. This is brill I feel like I’m in
a movie. A feel-good movie.

Just got back from the barbeque.
Mike Jim Shawn and his girlfriend and Terry
amongst others. Lana was there in a fucking pink bikini.
The tits on her are astonishing. I got myself sunburned
looking at them and then afterwards had to have a cool bath.
They had some excellent burgers but Lana was easily the
most sizzling piece of meat at the barbeque.
Her phone rang…
’Yip I’m here toasting my buns...you wanna come
and flip me over?’ Jesus fucking christ.
She plays the sweet little girl but I‘m not falling for that.
She’s only after my money. And yet she supplied me with
excellent material for a wonderful wank.

July 15 | Killallon Fitzpatrick| My "Office"
I’m at work listening the smashing pumpkins on my Mac
I walked in from Kenwod and is’s a beautiful day. Graham is
in New ersey presenting the BMV Pond work (poor bastard)
and I‘m off to Munich on saturday( poor bastard)
on friday I’ll be going out with the boys and their
parents for my 34th birthday so that’s nice.
Although why their parents are coming beats me.

I went and bought an air conditioner last night.
And Mike Terry Rob and I had a really nice meal at Filios.
Much laughter ensued. I seem to be allowed
,encouraged even, to take the piss out of the Americans.
They shouldn't let me away with it.

I slept really well and also I actually bought an
ironing board and an Iron. Yeah, I know.

This really is beginning to look like a good idea.
Coming here that is. I’m slowly starting to enjoy it.
I may have to do some great ads in gratitude.
The women here are fanttic they seem like women
who haven’t yet been made cynical.
Even the alcoholic women in AA are more gentle.

July 7th | St LaCroix | 1997

2008-06-09T13:28:00.000-07:00

I enjoyed Jitters AA meeting today and a fag asked
me for my number.No seriously This was a real fagg-gottzi.
He said he loved what I had to say. I gave him my number with the
proviso that I don’t take it up the arse. I got some photos back of
general St LaCroix goings on and Irish funereal activities.

There‘s a couple of great ones of pete and Brendan pissed out of
their minds. Brendan’s head is definitely balding. I’m happy to say.

BNV wittering on about shooting Missile and or Night Guard.
Yeah yeah I hope my face doesn’t show how much I couldn’t give
a shit.It would be great to get Missile. If that was all I did this year
then that would be enough. A young student came to see me with
his book. It wasn’t very good but I tried to be gentle with him. I must
say I enjoyed it. I hadn’t expected to. He kind of reminded me of
myself sitting there listening to someone going on about his work.
I’d like to do more of it, especially when they’re not good it
makes me feel so talented.

A bloke who’s been giving me lip at various times since I been
there at work came ito the toilet as I was having a piss. Standing at
the urinal beside me he says
’Do you have these in England?”
he was referring to the little flushers on the urinals
Looking down at his midriff and delibereately misunderstanding him I said,
‘Penises? Yes we do, but they’re much bigger”
There was only the sound of my pissing.
“Remind me not to set you up like that again “ he says.
He looked totally crushed.

July 8ish | 1997| St LaCcroix

Today I signed more papers than I thought possible.
Big important sheets of paper just kept coming.
It was like a parody.
Sheet after sheet.
I just kept signing.I adopted the attitude of well…who cares.
I shouldn’t even have all this money in the first place.

Bruce sat in front of me and asked if I’d like to work
with him on the new M3 launch. I reacted well I hope.
I went to the men’s AA meeting which I enjoyed and I then
got a lift with Jason Adam Doug and Levi. Where to?
To my new house.That's where
And just as we were all looking around the lady from next
door pulls up in her car as the boys are rummaging around
in the garden and one of them is actually rootng in the bin bags.
She ask one of them if he’s
the owner and they sayno he’s inside I’m inside looking out
watching this through a wince.I'm mortified. I go out and
intoduce myself and the bitch thinks I‘m English. I say
"No, I’m Irish"
Beautiful house. Very big. I’m going to love it. Also more importantly
I was able to fit into my brown jeans with space to spare.

July 6 | Sunday | The Beige Inn | St LaCroix 97

2008-06-05T19:40:00.000-07:00

I have just returned froma nice day cycling around the lakes.
(Lake Calhoun, Lake Harriet and Lake of the Isles) with Christain,
a blonde haird blue-eyed type and Bryan a no-haired bespectacled
ex-monk type. Recently Bryan had had an “update operation”
on his left shoulder to reposition the titanium ball that replaced
the original ball in his shoulder.
An accident from his drinking days.
Don’t ask.

He’s a nice enough guy. Into gardening. Knows the names of all
the plants. He’s now a psychologist. Christian who’s only two
months sober, refers to him as The Monk. I enjoyed it though.
The weather was nice and the bike is good to have. I went to see
My Best Friend’s Wedding. So basically after ogling every female
Uptown. I ogled Julia Roberts downtown. Sigh.

There were two couples in a row opposite me in a booth
at the The Uptown Diner. Their behaviour was almost identical.
The man reluctant, the girl insistant. She was touching him and
he was all shy and unsure and retrieving. I was with the
guy thinking ‘Don’t fall for it you’ll regret it you poor bastard.
She’ll fucking shred you.”
Shows you the state of my mind at the moment.

Then I went into the agency where the female security guard
was friendly. Probably bored put of her poor dykey mind.
Called Ma who’s living it up. She’d just returned from the
Golf Club where she’d won an umbrella and a £10 voucher.
I said I envied her and I meant it.

I passed by My House again today I like saying that.
I can’t wait to get in there I‘m really tired of these
fucking Executive Suites. Soon they’ll be the
ex-Exectutive Suites. I need to lose some weight or
I won’t have a chance with these
Swedish chicks. And they are fucking everywhere.
Young too.
Mind you I reckon I probably do have a chance with
some of them because most of the guys here are
roaring faggots This is after all number two for
fag-infestation after San Francisco.

Got back from the Sunday night meeting feeling fucking
great. First time I’ve felt good since I got here. Paul from
Voodoo films was there and was all keenness and new glasses
trying to cast his spell over me. And some very nice looking
women. I’m telling ya, a man can’t hold out forever.
There was a tasty little blondie one in particular.

July 5th | The Beige Inn | 97

2008-06-05T18:46:00.001-07:00

I’ve already been out to the Pepitos AA Meeting to make the
coffee this morning. Got there earlyish (around 7am) and actually
endedup enjoyng it. I spent most of the morning walking with Jim B
a newcomer from south Wisconsin. He’s having girl trouble.
I'm surprised to even hear hge has a girl to have trouble with
Fat fucker. I bought him a meal at the uptown diner.
This is somewhere I could end up liking. Nice girls there.
I enjoyed his company though. We parted after that because
I needed to pick up my bike.

There followed much cycling followed by much browsing of books
followed by much chatter with Ma. She’s alright. She had felt a little
lonely to day. I’m fucked from walking and cycling I’m goung to go
to the Wesley Saturday Night AA meeting out of sheer boredom.
The Walker Art Gallery kept me amused momentarily
with their tasty books.

Back in The Executive Suites (The Beige Inn) July 3rd |97

2008-06-05T05:24:00.000-07:00

It's the day before July 4th celebrations I've managed to
extricate myself from Maire Flanagan's’s party on Saturday
by saying I needed to get furniture for the house. That sounds
good doesn’t it? I said that all the shops (“stores” they say here)
are all closed other than Saturday for the holiday.
She seemed to buy it.
Thank fuck.

I’m sending emails all over the shop which is a laugh.
It’s great fun typing stuff up. I was a bit disappointed
when it turned out that BMV only want to do some of the work we
presented rather than all of it. But then again it could have been a
lot worse. I’m really looking forward to getting into my house.
My house? Can you believe it?

I don’t give a fuck about these yanks at work.
They are none of my business. They behave as if I should be their
friend or something.Maybe it’s just me. It usually is.
If they were unfriendly I’d be the same.

I‘m surprised to be sitting here looking out over the St LaCroix
skyline (there was a huge thunderstorm last night) feeling so calm.
After all, my father has just died of cancer and I've moved to a new
country, new job, new place to stay and the pressure from work is
huge. Somebody up there.. etc.. etc. AA is the answer to everything
for me these days. I seem to wake up in the morning with really
good ideas for ads.They're already there.

I miss London but then I convince myself I don’t. But I do.
Mind you it’s not fair to judge this place until I get into my house.
My house. There it is again.

I‘m ringng Phil everyday.
She’s in good shape, considering. She’e even enjoying herself a
little, or at least I hope she is. She was amazed that a bag of chips
cost 80p.She’s such a character. She might begin to come out of
her shell a bit now that Matty’s gone. In the meantime I‘m going to
reserve judement on this whole escapade until I get into the house.
There are times though when I look around and think what the
fuck am I doing here. But mostly I’m too busy which I prefer.

I have my bike back on the road soon and that’ll be interesting.
Also I‘m glad I’m not going to Mark Tibb's barbecue tomorrow
night ( I sould like such a miserable fuck) because they’ll all just
be getting pissed and lying to each other. Exactly like being
at work only it’s outside. I never liked barbeques.
The light is so harsh.

I actually look forward to my AA meetings.
They’re the only place where I can relax. I can feel the muscles
in my back ease up and my heartbeat slow down. Isn't that crazy?
Work is just what I do between AA meetings.

June 12 | Somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean

2008-06-04T15:39:00.000-07:00

I'm airborne
On my way home to Ireland after a phenomenally successful day.

I flew to New Jersey and stayed at the Meadow Lands Hilton
Hotel near Newark airport. ( Jimmy Hoffa is reputedly buried there)
The presentation to BMV went so well I can hardly believe it.
Graham actually turned to me at one point and said
"You did very good job"

Waiting outside was black car and driver to take me
into New York City, to Killallon Fitzpatrick's office on
5th Avenue to drop off some work and make some calls.
I got the address of an AA meeting at St Perry Street from
the AA Intergroup Office and had a cool meeting in a very
hot day and just made it back in time to get into my
waiting car befoe being sillouetted to the airport.

There were tears when I was reminded of Matty by an old guy
at the Perry Street meeting I called Rita who says that Brona
Coughlin can give me a lift from Dublin airport tomorrow.
I'm looking forward to being at home for a while I love Killallon
Fitzpatrick I really do but the "Executive Suites" are getting on
my nipples. Wall-to-wall beige. I call it "The Beige Inn"

My house should be ready to move into when
I get back. I'm confident that the next week or so will be
handleable. I found out yesterday that my British racism
ad won a D&AD Silver in London. No mean achievement.
Even if it was only for Typography. Graham and Ben were
certainly impressed. And the BMV meeting was very good,
probably the best presentation I've ever done.
My dad should die more often.

2008-06-04T10:34:00.000-07:00

Secretly I've been hoping that Matty
will be dead before I get home. That way, and I know
this sounds awful, I won't have to see him half-alive.
Rita says he looks terrible.

I'll be going home on Thursday night for a week.
But first I'll be going to new Jersey on Thursday for a
BMV meeting.

I'm surprised by how well I seem to be able to cope
with all this. New job, new country etc...
But just for this one day, I can do it.

I think I'm going to like it here.
The girls are all so well behaved and old fashioned.
I feel so cynical compared to them. I don't think it would
be possible to find that combination of friendliness and
this amount of AA meetings anywhere else in the world.

The Winter rules here though.
Even in Summer it is talked about with reverence.
It is the only reason people treat each other so well here.
When your car is stuck in a snowdrift you're going to need
help from that passing stranger so you better start being
nice to him now. It's a kind of just-in-case niceness.

My father is a good man. And I've made my peace with him.
We have no unfinished business. We are, as they say, "cool".
I loved him and he knew it. My only concern now is to see
that my mother gets through it all in one piece.

June| St LaCroix | 97

2008-06-04T10:23:00.000-07:00

My dad would sooner die than get involved with
some smooth-skinned sexually adept young woman.
Turns out, that's exactly what he did.

I rang my mother half-expecting to hear that he was
dead. I was half-right. (Which means I was quarter right?)
He's been diagnosed with cancer. I'm comparatively calm
but slightly irritated. This doesn't fit with my plans.
I don't suppose cancer ever does.

They're saying it could be two or three months before
'he goes" He's 79 after all, and he was never going be
around forever. That, at least is what I'm telling myself.
My mother is taking it well.
We're all taking it well.

Thing is, I've just started work for an advertising
agency in St LaCroix. I've been here 2 and a half weeks.
There's no getting away from it. It's inconvevient.
But's that's life. Or death rather.

And yet I can't help feeling sort of honoured that
something so grand, so important is happening to me.
Or to him rather.