July 28 | 1997
This time it's Dublin Airport waiting for the
E1603 to Amsterdam to connect with St LaCroix
I’ve had a brill break and am now ready for the
next onslaught. I’ll be in los Angeles next week.
I was glad Brian was home with his wife Tabitha and
the kids because it took the pressure off me to
be the entertainment. I saw an ad I’d written in a
magazine at a stand in the airport. I did it at Saatchis.
It had taken this long to come out.It's funny but I
just heard a last call for Heathrow and I instinctively
began to get up. I’m glad I don’t have to go there
today. Maybe soon but not today. Anyway, it was
nice to see that. Another one for the portfolio.
I feel much better about Ma now too.
I think she’ going to be alright. Kieran (Ma’s
brother’s nephew) (whatever that means) gave me
a big talk about money. He’s some sort of an accountant
but he’s also a teacher. Incapable of shutting the fuck up
which combined with his searingly bad breath is not a
good scenario.I can’t keep up with these lunatics they’re
a very complicated lot. It was doing Tabitha’s head in.
Mine too. All these Catholics with 13 kids.
She has hardly any relatives. Protestant you see.
And also Phil’s brother Frank didn’t get married till
he was 50 and even then it was to a nineteen year old.
Fucking right. Nit so crazy after all. In the picture they
showed me she looked so young beside him I started
to get jealous.
I enjoyed the Kilkenny AA meetings this time too.
Maybe it helps that I’m only around for a few days.
ny longer and I remember only too clearly why I left.
Also it may be because I hadn’t actually been to a
meeting for 5 days before that. Brian told me about
a guy who spent years hooting in his garden like a
rare owl.Then one night he received “reply-hoots.”
He was thrilled.
But it turned out that the replies were coming
from over the hedge next door from an equally
enthusiastic hoot-head. I thought there might
be an ad in this until I realized Kit Kat did it ages
ago with Duck hunters.
Ok here we are on the plane. Nice seat 1F
Grumpy looking fuck beside me. I hope he’s not
reading as I write this. I don’t like Aer Lingus I get
a bad vibe from them and Ma told me Dan Duggan
(a guy who used to work with da) had such a bad
experience with them lately that when they offered
him a £100 voucher towards a new ticket he told them
he wanted it in cash because he was never going fly with
them again. So I suppose I can now be counted among the
unhappy with Aer Lingus. If I was on the Oprah Winfrey
and I was called on to speak from the audience you
would see “DOESN’T LIKE AER LINGUS” on the caption
at the bottom of the screen.
A really tasty looking cick has just slinked in between me
and the grumpy looking fuck. Is there no rest? Now let’s see.
Black pinstripe suit Nice tan not, too much. Looks like a much
younger and very blonde Zoe Wannamaker. She’s beside me
flicking her magazine. Cooly. They’re always cool aren’t they?
Like they couldn’t care if you lived or died beside them.
And they always have that little half smile as if they’ve just
had the most serious shagging 10 minutes before coming
on board. I need a holiday.I suppose I've just had one.
Looking at her again she probably really has just had
a shagging.
There was a cab driver right outside the Gresham Hotel a guy
waiting for a cab in front of me. Cab picks him up and fucks off.
I’m waiting for another one. What happens? The same cab comes
back with the same guy in the back and says “Jump in”
I‘m thinking I don’t like being roared at by this Dublin fuck and I
don’t like sharing with another Dublin fuck either.
But I don’t see any other cabs around either so I go for it.
Now you can tell this cab driver is just dying to immerse
you in some of the most vebal vermin unleashable. I’ve been
reading a book about Newgate prison. In the 1700’s.Ther's
vermin and prostitutes and a lot of plague. The condemned
women were desperate to get men to shag them because if
they could “plead the belly “ they would be spared.
Pity there aren’t more condemned bitches around.
I sound terrible. If someone else was talking like this
I'd think they were savages.
She’s just touched me. Miss Pinstripe has just touched me.
Moving her newspaper she touched me...twice.
I’ll have to go to the toilet for a wank.
Well I just had a smoked salmon which I
didn’t eat because I’m on a diet and cheese and coffee
for breakfast. “Would you like some champagne?” she says
Would she like an international incident?
I just read in my free newspaper that one
Private William Tandy of the Royal Howards Regiment had
the chance to shoot Corporal Adolf Hitler in the first world war
but didn’t because he felt he couldn’t shoot a wounded man.
When Hitler became chancellor in 1935 he sent a guy over to
England to buy a painting of Tandry From The Regiment.
A painting had been commissioned of Tandry because he
had won a VC for his exploits.
Hitler wanted one for his wall.
There‘s a whole film in that alone.
So St LaCroix better watch the fuck out man. I’m going to
get some serious work done between now and Christmas.
I’m determined to get a Piller Lite ad done.
Amsterdam/ Schipol Airport
Just got through customs. Jesus they don’t mess around these
clogheads they want to know every fucking thing about you...
where you came from what you’re doing why you’re doing
in Holland how long were you there ..do you have anything
electrical? Did you pack your own bags? Your passport is very
old already what happened to it. What? Shower? You had it in the shower?
"No. The water fom the shower sprinkled on it. It was on the floor
of the bathroom you fucking cloggy dyke."
It was a chick a really big chick. Then she takes my passport
and my precious 1st class ticket over to some other cloghead
half-her height and who looked like a diminutive Don Johnson.
They talk for a long long time. The weather.The price of hash?
Was Midnight express a fair representation of Airport securtity in
Turkey? Fuck-knows-what.
She comes back at last.
And I’m treated to a funny moment involving
an American. This girl is heading the wrong way back from
the security gates.
"Madame, madam do you have a boarding
pass? Where are you going?"
The young affronted woman replies
"I was sitting in there with my friend ...my American friend"
This last bit as if the entire airport should freeze in terror lest the
F-elevens’s wreak righteous wrath having taken off from a nearby
air-base in Germany. By the way, miss Pinstripe turned out to have
a male escort who was unbeknownst to me sitting behind us all
the time. What a slut.
She was definately flirting with me. Well kind of.. She brushed off
me twice. She was begging for it. She’s probably had more dick in
her life than the palm of my right hand
I can’t stand all the ads on the radio.
There you are tuned ito the radio. Why? Because you’re trying to listen
to some music Next thing you know you’re listening to some prick going
on about mobile phones. How dare I say this? Isn’t it likely that I myself had
penned one of these prick-laden ads? Well yes and no. I do GOOD ads even if
they never get made they’re usually good ads. That’s why I'm allowd to work
in advertising and at the same time slag off ads. This is the kind of dishonesty
( “dooality “ they call it in the US) that you need to master if you ‘re going to
work in this business. And there's plenty of people who will support you in
this self-deception. Because the money’s so good. I really don’t feel worthy
of a relationship while I’m doing this job. Seriously, I feel or I’m beginning
to realize that I’m starting to feel dirty doing this job.
Even so I’m not going to give it up. What do you think of that?
What does that make me ? A coward? What would I be if I decided
to give it up to write little books like this? Would I then be the hero
of my own conscience or just an idiot who threw away $200,000 a year
with a good prospects of even more. I‘m gonna ride this fucker for
all its worth and try not to lose my mind in the meantime.
THE ONLY BUMPS YOU’LL FEEL IN A 7 SERIES
and you show a close-up of goosebumps.
Two faggots are making their way towards me, down separate aisles
like male bridesmaid pushing grey trolleys in front of them.
They’re wearing light grey high waisted jackets and black slacks.
That’s enough.
The movies they‘re showing on the little first class boxes are crap
AND you’re expected to pay for them with your credit card.
Still these seats are the business. I don’t know how I’ll ever get
used to economy again.
I’m worried about the on coming Winter.
Everyone tells me I‘m not worried enough. I don’t even know why
I took the fucking job. I knew the Winter would be very bad.
But I know I‘ll just have to see what happens.
It’s funny these are the kinds of thoughts I don’t normally allow myself.
Fuck the Winter I’ll either be at work or at an AA meeting or in bed so
what’s the big fucking deal? The fag refills your nutbowl with a kind of
silver spoon.The bowl looks like tiny eggcup. I’ve had to take my
headphones off again because they’re trying to raise money for
corrective facial surgery for children. I was going to suggest the
fag could use some work.And now here they come with boiled napkins.
30 minutes from St LaCroix.
E1603 to Amsterdam to connect with St LaCroix
I’ve had a brill break and am now ready for the
next onslaught. I’ll be in los Angeles next week.
I was glad Brian was home with his wife Tabitha and
the kids because it took the pressure off me to
be the entertainment. I saw an ad I’d written in a
magazine at a stand in the airport. I did it at Saatchis.
It had taken this long to come out.It's funny but I
just heard a last call for Heathrow and I instinctively
began to get up. I’m glad I don’t have to go there
today. Maybe soon but not today. Anyway, it was
nice to see that. Another one for the portfolio.
I feel much better about Ma now too.
I think she’ going to be alright. Kieran (Ma’s
brother’s nephew) (whatever that means) gave me
a big talk about money. He’s some sort of an accountant
but he’s also a teacher. Incapable of shutting the fuck up
which combined with his searingly bad breath is not a
good scenario.I can’t keep up with these lunatics they’re
a very complicated lot. It was doing Tabitha’s head in.
Mine too. All these Catholics with 13 kids.
She has hardly any relatives. Protestant you see.
And also Phil’s brother Frank didn’t get married till
he was 50 and even then it was to a nineteen year old.
Fucking right. Nit so crazy after all. In the picture they
showed me she looked so young beside him I started
to get jealous.
I enjoyed the Kilkenny AA meetings this time too.
Maybe it helps that I’m only around for a few days.
ny longer and I remember only too clearly why I left.
Also it may be because I hadn’t actually been to a
meeting for 5 days before that. Brian told me about
a guy who spent years hooting in his garden like a
rare owl.Then one night he received “reply-hoots.”
He was thrilled.
But it turned out that the replies were coming
from over the hedge next door from an equally
enthusiastic hoot-head. I thought there might
be an ad in this until I realized Kit Kat did it ages
ago with Duck hunters.
Ok here we are on the plane. Nice seat 1F
Grumpy looking fuck beside me. I hope he’s not
reading as I write this. I don’t like Aer Lingus I get
a bad vibe from them and Ma told me Dan Duggan
(a guy who used to work with da) had such a bad
experience with them lately that when they offered
him a £100 voucher towards a new ticket he told them
he wanted it in cash because he was never going fly with
them again. So I suppose I can now be counted among the
unhappy with Aer Lingus. If I was on the Oprah Winfrey
and I was called on to speak from the audience you
would see “DOESN’T LIKE AER LINGUS” on the caption
at the bottom of the screen.
A really tasty looking cick has just slinked in between me
and the grumpy looking fuck. Is there no rest? Now let’s see.
Black pinstripe suit Nice tan not, too much. Looks like a much
younger and very blonde Zoe Wannamaker. She’s beside me
flicking her magazine. Cooly. They’re always cool aren’t they?
Like they couldn’t care if you lived or died beside them.
And they always have that little half smile as if they’ve just
had the most serious shagging 10 minutes before coming
on board. I need a holiday.I suppose I've just had one.
Looking at her again she probably really has just had
a shagging.
There was a cab driver right outside the Gresham Hotel a guy
waiting for a cab in front of me. Cab picks him up and fucks off.
I’m waiting for another one. What happens? The same cab comes
back with the same guy in the back and says “Jump in”
I‘m thinking I don’t like being roared at by this Dublin fuck and I
don’t like sharing with another Dublin fuck either.
But I don’t see any other cabs around either so I go for it.
Now you can tell this cab driver is just dying to immerse
you in some of the most vebal vermin unleashable. I’ve been
reading a book about Newgate prison. In the 1700’s.Ther's
vermin and prostitutes and a lot of plague. The condemned
women were desperate to get men to shag them because if
they could “plead the belly “ they would be spared.
Pity there aren’t more condemned bitches around.
I sound terrible. If someone else was talking like this
I'd think they were savages.
She’s just touched me. Miss Pinstripe has just touched me.
Moving her newspaper she touched me...twice.
I’ll have to go to the toilet for a wank.
Well I just had a smoked salmon which I
didn’t eat because I’m on a diet and cheese and coffee
for breakfast. “Would you like some champagne?” she says
Would she like an international incident?
I just read in my free newspaper that one
Private William Tandy of the Royal Howards Regiment had
the chance to shoot Corporal Adolf Hitler in the first world war
but didn’t because he felt he couldn’t shoot a wounded man.
When Hitler became chancellor in 1935 he sent a guy over to
England to buy a painting of Tandry From The Regiment.
A painting had been commissioned of Tandry because he
had won a VC for his exploits.
Hitler wanted one for his wall.
There‘s a whole film in that alone.
So St LaCroix better watch the fuck out man. I’m going to
get some serious work done between now and Christmas.
I’m determined to get a Piller Lite ad done.
Amsterdam/ Schipol Airport
Just got through customs. Jesus they don’t mess around these
clogheads they want to know every fucking thing about you...
where you came from what you’re doing why you’re doing
in Holland how long were you there ..do you have anything
electrical? Did you pack your own bags? Your passport is very
old already what happened to it. What? Shower? You had it in the shower?
"No. The water fom the shower sprinkled on it. It was on the floor
of the bathroom you fucking cloggy dyke."
It was a chick a really big chick. Then she takes my passport
and my precious 1st class ticket over to some other cloghead
half-her height and who looked like a diminutive Don Johnson.
They talk for a long long time. The weather.The price of hash?
Was Midnight express a fair representation of Airport securtity in
Turkey? Fuck-knows-what.
She comes back at last.
And I’m treated to a funny moment involving
an American. This girl is heading the wrong way back from
the security gates.
"Madame, madam do you have a boarding
pass? Where are you going?"
The young affronted woman replies
"I was sitting in there with my friend ...my American friend"
This last bit as if the entire airport should freeze in terror lest the
F-elevens’s wreak righteous wrath having taken off from a nearby
air-base in Germany. By the way, miss Pinstripe turned out to have
a male escort who was unbeknownst to me sitting behind us all
the time. What a slut.
She was definately flirting with me. Well kind of.. She brushed off
me twice. She was begging for it. She’s probably had more dick in
her life than the palm of my right hand
I can’t stand all the ads on the radio.
There you are tuned ito the radio. Why? Because you’re trying to listen
to some music Next thing you know you’re listening to some prick going
on about mobile phones. How dare I say this? Isn’t it likely that I myself had
penned one of these prick-laden ads? Well yes and no. I do GOOD ads even if
they never get made they’re usually good ads. That’s why I'm allowd to work
in advertising and at the same time slag off ads. This is the kind of dishonesty
( “dooality “ they call it in the US) that you need to master if you ‘re going to
work in this business. And there's plenty of people who will support you in
this self-deception. Because the money’s so good. I really don’t feel worthy
of a relationship while I’m doing this job. Seriously, I feel or I’m beginning
to realize that I’m starting to feel dirty doing this job.
Even so I’m not going to give it up. What do you think of that?
What does that make me ? A coward? What would I be if I decided
to give it up to write little books like this? Would I then be the hero
of my own conscience or just an idiot who threw away $200,000 a year
with a good prospects of even more. I‘m gonna ride this fucker for
all its worth and try not to lose my mind in the meantime.
THE ONLY BUMPS YOU’LL FEEL IN A 7 SERIES
and you show a close-up of goosebumps.
Two faggots are making their way towards me, down separate aisles
like male bridesmaid pushing grey trolleys in front of them.
They’re wearing light grey high waisted jackets and black slacks.
That’s enough.
The movies they‘re showing on the little first class boxes are crap
AND you’re expected to pay for them with your credit card.
Still these seats are the business. I don’t know how I’ll ever get
used to economy again.
I’m worried about the on coming Winter.
Everyone tells me I‘m not worried enough. I don’t even know why
I took the fucking job. I knew the Winter would be very bad.
But I know I‘ll just have to see what happens.
It’s funny these are the kinds of thoughts I don’t normally allow myself.
Fuck the Winter I’ll either be at work or at an AA meeting or in bed so
what’s the big fucking deal? The fag refills your nutbowl with a kind of
silver spoon.The bowl looks like tiny eggcup. I’ve had to take my
headphones off again because they’re trying to raise money for
corrective facial surgery for children. I was going to suggest the
fag could use some work.And now here they come with boiled napkins.
30 minutes from St LaCroix.
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